Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

I have been all over the place…the doctors, the tests. I have worried about a job, disability payments and worried over our home, food, pets, kids. I have ridden this roller coaster for seven months now, all without a single doctor willing to commit to a diagnosis. None of them want to call it, or fill out the reams of paperwork needed for a disability claim. They pass us from doctor to doctor, each one ordering more tests we can’t pay for, each one passing on making a diagnosis.

I was focused on the nuts and bolts. The finances, how to pay the bills, keep the house, make sure my mate has what he needs. Than today it settled in. I am losing my soul mate of thirty-two years. What the Hell? He is losing the ability to speak. He is losing all strength in his hands, his muscles twitch in his arms, chest, legs and face constantly. He is unable to swallow liquid without choking unless it’s thickened. He needs to hold his neck in a certain position to swallow solid food. He could be here one year, or three, five or 10 years, or he could be gone in months. This is not how I saw my old age. I planned on aging with this man holding my hand. I am lost, not sure what to do next. Life is Jane and Ray, not just Jane.

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Living With ALS – New Moods

Posted: September 15, 2015 in ALS, death, Marriage, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

I have written about the fear and anger of loving someone with ALS, but I never imagined the many, many moods that would attack. I went through crying, anger, grief, disbelief and denial. Now I find myself in protective mode, mama bear, wanting to make sure my man has all he needs or wants. I am taking care of legal issues, to make sure all his wishes are granted.

Bring on the legal forms, the Living Will, the Do Not resuscitate forms. No burial, no funeral, make sure he goes to the ALS society research foundation for study. (His wishes) They handle it all at no cost to us. Unpleasant, things I don’t want to think about. But my love for him pushes this to the back of my mind, I want to make sure he does not suffer, or deal with these stupid details. I want his days filled with family, good food, drink, music and the yard he loves.

How long will he be with me? No way to tell. It could be one year, or it could be three, five or ten! No matter the time, he will NEVER have to deal with the law, choices or suffer due to technicalities. I will make sure all his wishes are legally in place. I will fall back on crying and grief once I know he can live what he has left in peace. That could be tomorrow. At my age I am not prepared to lose my mate of thirty-two years, but I am damned if I will let him suffer one legal problem during the time he has left.

My last post dealt with my husband getting tagged with ALS. I was all over the place with my emotions. Grief, anger, pain, back to anger. He is a GOOD man who never caused harm and he does NOT deserve to be taken out this way. Then today, like a tidal wave, thoughts of what was to come slammed me against the rocks.

I haven’t worked outside the home since 1992! I have CMP, bulging discs and degenerative disc disease. I live with chronic pain, weakness, fatigue, numbness and mental fog. My hubby and I worked out a life that fit us. I shop, cook and take care of the kids schooling, paperwork for their medical care, their social life, our social life and more. He, works for a wage, services the car, pumps the gas, cuts the grass, fixes leaky pipes and deals with the cable company. Put aside the mechanics of life and there is more. He is the first to take my hand when I walk. He is the one who sees if I am upset, sad or in pain. He gives hugs, he makes it ok on days I can’t get out of my chair to cook. He pushes me to listen to music or watch a favorite movie to take me away from the pain. He reads me, he gets me, I get him. We can summon each other to hand out a napkin at dinner with a hand gesture lol. Drives the kids nuts that we talk without words. Thirty-two years together!

What the hell am I going to do if he leaves me?  How will I take the pain out of his leaving from his shoulders? I don’t want him feeling guilt for leaving me. Yet I am in a panic over his leaving.

He will lose his job, hence our medical insurance, income. We owe on the house. I can’t lose the house. I can live anywhere but I am raising grandkids, still in school who need the stability. I can’t cut the grass with a push mower! If a pipe breaks I know how to fix it, but I am physically unable to do so anymore. Hell, my car is twenty years old, if it dies, I can’t buy a new one without his income. I can’t take kids to band practice, they may have to give up band and I won’t be able to pay for uniforms etc.

In full flop sweat here, when I should be focusing on how to be there for my mate. I will be there for him. I guess I can panic all I want, but I will be damned if any of this will taint the time he has left. I will deal with it later. Just another rant from someone dealing with the monster that is ALS.

 

 

Due to some discussion about race issues in my family, I am putting up our family credo touching on who we let into our circle.
Whites, blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Native Americans, Germans, Swedes, Scots, Irish…get the point?
My family is (proven blood only, there may be others) Scottish, Yugoslavian, English, German. My father was the second child born in this country after his mother fled Yugoslavia when WWII was brewing. Some of my family came here earlier, during the time of slavery and revolution. Who’s to say I don’t have African-American blood due to a slave owner raping one of his charges? I think a huge amount of white Americans would be shocked to find out they have black ancestors.
My family also welcomes gays, bisexual, lesbian and transgender people. If God didn’t want them, why would he make so many of them?
Last but not least, I embrace all beliefs and love learning and talking to people about theirs. I respect all and take a little of each one for myself. Catholics, Muslims, Baptists, agnostics, Wiccans and others.
I take you at face value. If you are a good person and do good things I am with you even if you perform customs or rituals I don’t understand, eat food I know nothing about, read a book I don’t know or dress a certain way. A good person is a good person. A bad person is a bad person no matter what their belief. You were welcome in my circle until you prove you don’t belong here.

It was by far the oddest setting she had ever experienced.  The room was full of Democrats and Republicans, energetic, idealistic youth, middle-aged mortgage holders with job woes and the calmer, slower elderly battling arthritis and other ailments. It was not her definition of an ideal party.

She watched from  her corner perch. People flowed through the kitchen, dropping off dishes full of treats as they exchanged hugs. Wine and conversation flourished. Music exploded from a nearby speaker as young cousins ran hand in hand. Doctors, Lawyers and Judges clinked glasses with waitresses, mechanics and store clerks. Drinks flowed, food disappeared and laughter grew. One by one the group migrated to the festive living room.

It was here people handed each other brightly wrapped packages. It was here they related stories of their past. It was here they passed out more hugs than gifts. It was here she realized that she was going to like the family she married into. It was here she discovered the values that shaped the man she loved. It was here that she realized she loved her new family.  It was here that her husband pulled her into the group for a hug. It was here that she realized the perfect gift didn’t have to come from a store. It was the ideal party.

Join the Friday Fictioneers, a wonderful group of writers who submit a 100 word story or poem based on a weekly photo. This is flash fiction at it’s finest. You can read submissions or add your work HERE.  Comments welcome, as long as they are respectful and helpful, not hateful.

Congrats Madison! Marriage is cool with the right person!

Category: Fiction//Drama

Words: 84

Rating: PG

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Marriage  was death, a stance she had clung to for years. Then came Jim. The last four years had been fun, comfortable and full of love, thanks to him. He had proposed seven times, but this time was different. Something in his eyes seemed to say “we either take this step, or we’re through.”

Realizing she couldn’t live without him, she said yes. That was yesterday, this morning, she took a deep breath and entered the shop, hoping to find a gown. Realizing she was opening more than one door.

Submit a story or poem, inspired by a weekly photo in this fun, flash fiction group. You can read submissions or add your work HERE.  Comments welcome, as long as they are respectful and helpful, not hateful.

i used this pix to show that emotion doesn’t change. War and reunions are as old as time.

Historic Fiction

Words: A bit over 99

Rating: PG

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 Copyright – Dawn M. Miller

She ran, her bustle slapping her ankles.

“When is the troop train due?” She yelled over the counter.

“What?” The elderly attendant yelled.

“The troop train!”

“That’s it now!” he shouted.

Rushing to the platform, she studied the car doors, taking in every face. Wives hugged husbands and mothers clung to sons. She had no idea if he was on this train, but hope ran high.

When he emerged, pale and weak, she cried. Would he be the same?